I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’m starting.
This is for the people who don’t think they’re good enough to start doing what they want to do.
Whether it be starting a business, buying that ticket to that place you’ve always dreamed of going to, making music, starting a youtube channel, or speaking up more at work. You are me, and I am you.
Believe me when I say, I don’t know what I’m doing…but I’m trying anyway.
I’ve spent years wanting (and only ever dreaming) to learn how to do so many things. I may have dipped my toe here and there, but I continuously found reasons to put those interests on the backburner. Starting a blog and learning videography are two in particular I’ve daydreamed about for years. And I’ve spent the last two years saying I’m finally going to do it. I wrote and collected equipment - cameras, lenses, mics, confidence. I watched tutorials and studied other videos and blogs online.
And still…nothing.
Until now.
And it took me this long because I had to wait until I was tired of my own excuses. Tired of waiting to be ready and waiting for the confidence that’s never going to come. The confidence that only comes with experience…and several shitty first drafts. Because there’s no way to get that experience other than to just start. Start and repeat, even if everything you make doesn’t match the masterpiece in your mind.
The way I see it, trying and being willing to make mistakes, is the only way to shrink the space in between the life you have right now and the life you dream about having that lives in your head. And that’s kind of the whole point of me making Soulward.
I have been lucky enough to have so many experiences and adventures in my life. I backpacked through China, I worked for an environmental nonprofit and traveled to remote parts of the world…I even biked across the United States.
I could tell you so many stories…and I wish I had. In the moment. When it was raw. I wish I’d not been so scared to document my life for fear of being judged or feeling like I couldn’t be one of those faces online. Or because I thought it had to be a written or cinematic masterpiece or nothing at all.
And I can either sit here and sulk about all the adventures I’ve already had that I didn’t document in the beautiful cinematic way I dream up in my head and watch online, and let even MORE time go by…
…or I can start now.
Because there’s still so many things I want to do, so many dreams that live in my head. And with every year that passes and every year that I cling onto the same excuses rooted in fear for not starting, the anxiety builds. It’s subtle at first, but then it creeps up in the form of impatience and ugliness: being meaner to my mom, less present for my friends, or being more of a critic and less of a cheerleader to my little sister.
And this is because everything we do to ourselves, reflects outwards. If I neglect what my soul is asking of me, what it wants me to be and create, then I will neglect others and their inner truths as well.
I want to be the best person, friend, sister, daughter I can be.
But I will only be able to be there for them as deeply as I am able to be there for myself.
And I promise you I can come up with a hundred reasons (excuses) for why I am not ready to make videos, share myself online, or start my own website.
The mind is so creative, and it is most creative in two situations:
1. when you’re finally doing what you want and you’re in that trance-like flow state, and
2. when it doesn’t want you to change
We often overlook creativity in that second situation. The mind is a beautiful instrument that has given us the ability to make computers, music, rocket ships...fire..But the mind also loves to create reasons for you to stay where you are. It fears change, and that’s because it’s not wired for creativity or spirituality. It’s wired for survival. The mind loves certainty and predictability because it creates the illusion of safety. The mind thrives on patterns and familiarity. So any idea or dream that comes in and potentially involves breaking that pattern is immediately seen by the mind as dangerous or something to be avoided.
There is one other time your mind is most creative, and it also happens to be the remedy for the mind’s nonstop machinations…
It’s when you stop trying so hard.
Stop taking life so seriously, stop taking yourself so seriously.
Let go and let yourself be taken by it.
Whatever it is.
And I’m saying this to myself as much as I’m saying it to you.
So I’m going to treat this like an experiment. Soulward is my sandbox. A container for trying new things, making mistakes, sharing what I want to share, and doing things I’m scared of. Making videos, being on camera, starting a website, sharing my ideas and photography online, and whatever else I want to explore. Because at the end of the day, all of life is an experiment and nothing is guaranteed. So we might as well play and experiment at the things we actually want to do and see where it leads us.
I want to normalize being imperfect and sharing what I have anyways. My hope is that by doing this, not only am I growing and getting closer to myself, my envisioned self, but I am also giving you the green light to create whatever and be whoever you daydream about too.
It’s not going to be a masterpiece at first. But, if I can press that share button and just start, that’s already progress.
That’s already me moving forward in the direction of the life I dream of.
That’s already me shrinking the space in between where I am and where I want to be.